A co-worker called out because after recently returning to work from a maternity leave she no longer had any uniform shirts that fit her so she couldn't come back to work until we had her new size. - WALE

My friend waited 9 hours at the airport for me to pick her up. When I got there and she complained about waiting so long I asked her why she didn't just take the bus. She told me she didn't want to look like a crazy or poor person. -WALE

I had an extra ticket to a NASCAR race and when I invited my friend, he told me he would rather watch Days of Thunder because the real thing was never as good. - WALE

I left my roommate a message to clean up his mess because I was bringing my parents over. When we got there he was sitting in boxers and a tank top eating ice cream out of the container and the place was dirtier than when I left. When I asked why he didn't clean up he told me he never got my message. My note was taped to the handle on the freezer door. - WALE

A friend of mine threw a party and I wasn't invited. The next week we ran into each other and she apologized telling me she didn't have enough chairs at her house to invite more people. - WALE

"My lawyers didn’t explain what a suspended license meant." - Paris Hilton

I heard my roommate up to no good with her new man in the shower and when she came out of the shower she tried to explain that she was trying conserve water. - WALE