When I showed up to my work’s softball team with a cast on my ankle, everyone wanted to know what had happened. I told them that I had lost a bar fight and had been beaten up. The only thing that “beat me up” was a large pole that I had drunkenly run into while screwing around on the work site during St. Patrick’s Day and was afraid of losing my job if anyone found out. - WALE

I had asked a girl to come join me and my friends in the Jacuzzi. She told me she didn’t want to come because she doesn’t know how to swim. – WALE

I was in the car with my girlfriend and got a call from my ex. I answered the phone so as not to look like I was hiding something. Like a deaf idiot I had my volume turned as loud as it would go and my girlfriend could hear another girl’s voice. I quickly got off the phone and tried to explain that it was one of my best friends calling me and pretending to be a girl. I told her it was a joke we play on each other. - WALE

I was in the middle of getting it on with a girl when there was a knock at the door. The girl went to the door and told me we had to stop. She had to go clean her parent’s bed because her best friend has just pissed herself in it. – WALE

I had been flirting with this cute boy at a beach party and decided to tag along with him to ride back to the house for the rest of the party. He then suddenly told me I had to ride with someone else because he didn’t want sand on the upholstery in his new car. - WALE

A lady at work asked for a sleeve for her iced coffee. I told her we were running low and really needed to save them for customers getting hot beverages. She told me she had to have one because she doesn’t like touching wet things. – WALE

When I worked at McDonald's one of my employees called in sick to work because it was his dead grandmother's 100th birthday and his family was celebrating. The manager approved it. – WALE