A friend of mine skipped out on after work drinks because a local radio station was giving away Weezer tickets and she HAD to have them. - WALE

A customer balked when she returned a TV to find out she had to pay a 15% restocking fee accusing of us not informing her. When I pointed at the huge yellow sticker/seal that said "STOP" that she had to break to open the box, she told me she had illegal Mexicans set it up for her and that they couldn't read it in English. - WALE

A friend who we hadn't seen in almost two years came by to visit. Up to his usual tricks, he began hitting on a girl and was getting ready to vanish with her. When I jumped in to ask if maybe he should make an exception this time for his friends, he told us if he did that he could end up getting rusty. - WALE

A friend of mine recently discovered she got an STD from her cheating ex-boyfriend, I confronted him about it asking him what the hell he was thinking. He told me he thought they went away after enough time. - WALE

A customer complained to my manager one time when I refused to serve her crying child a pizza. I work at a steakhouse and when I told her we couldn't she said that our competition could and that she didn't feel like we cared so that her entire meal should be free. - WALE

I went to start up the car one time only to notice it was practically on Empty. The closest gas station is about five miles away from where we live. Rather then take chances I grabbed a gas can and hopped in the other car which had the same situation. When I asked my wife why both our cars were empty, she told me hers had run out and so she took my car out. When I asked her why she didn't fill up, she told me it was too cold outside. - WALE

A customer told me he couldn't buy the extended warranty because he was going to die soon. - WALE

My friend told me he couldn't hang out the day after thanksgiving (my birthday) because there was a good chance he wouldn't be able to move after the amount of turkey he would eat the day before. - WALE

One time, we couldn't go to a bar because it was a favorite spot of our friends ex-girlfriend's twin sister and he couldn't stand the sight of seeing anything resembling her. They broke up three years ago. - WALE

A guy tried to get out of a ticket for parking in a handicap spot by accusing me of violating the same law (my squad car was parked adjacent to his to detain him) and that if I was going to write him up, he wanted to write me up. -WALE

My son informed me that if I wasn't going to let him help decided what I planned on making for dinner, I couldn't involve him in the plans for cleaning up the dishes afterward. - WALE

At my birthday party, a friend of mine went out of the way to tell me he didn't get me anything because he didn't believe in it. Not really caring, I asked him why he accepted my gift earlier in the year. He told me that was my own mistake and I should have known better. - WALE

I once had a patient stumble into our pharmacy during the night shift complaining of chest pains. He was elderly and was exhibiting the signs and symptoms of someone who may have just had a mild heart attack or the beginning of something just as serious. We told him to leave immediately and meet a staff member in the hall to be escorted to the ER. He refused and then demanded that we fill his prescription for SL Nitro tablets “stat” because he could die at any moment and didn't want to be sitting in our waiting room if it happened. – WALE

I was heading down on a business trip and decided to pay my brother whom I hadn’t seen in two years a visit. I told him which day I would be in town, but when I called, he told me he had tickets to the new Michael Jackson movie and had to see it because it was only in theaters for a limited time. – WALE

A boy scout was selling popcorn outside of our local grocery store, not liking popcorn I nicely told him if he sold something a little sweeter like cookies I would definitely buy. The boy’s father came up and told his son not to waste time on a sexist like me because I’d only buy from “those” girl scouts. – WALE

One time, while helping some little kids with their food, my hot co-worker pulled me aside and started making out with me. Thinking this was a sign of things to come, after our shift I started talking about our hot moment. She told me it probably wouldn’t happen again and that the only reason it did was because she gets turned on by seeing a guy be great with kids because it shows her how good of a parent they’ll be. – WALE

My friend decided to throw a birthday party last minute. I told her I couldn’t come because I was too worn out from a Nordstrom’s one day sale. – WALE

I approached a woman at a bar who stopped me before I could say anything and said that the color coordination I had chosen combined with my skin tone put me way out of her league. - WALE

A customer tried to get a refund on his cappuccino because a noisy car alarm outside was disturbing his zen and ruining his coffee experience. - WALE

A potential juror tried to get out of jury duty by saying he was a racist and would probably not be fair to the defendant. All the people involved in the case were the same ethnicity as the juror. – WALE

A juror got out of jury duty by telling the court that he had been wrongfully convicted in his own trial and couldn’t wait to “screw someone else over.” – WALE

To get out of jury duty, I tried to convince the court I was contagious with the flu. I got out, but first had to get inoculated with both vaccines by the Courthouse’s nurse. – WALE

A guy tried to be exempt from jury duty because he refused to enter the metal detector feeling undignified and embarrassed to have to remove his belt and hold his pants up just to get into the courthouse. – WALE

A customer demanded to be served before other patrons waiting in line because he was in a “hurry” for his big break as an extra in an episode of CSI, and that everyone should understand this was his chance for stardom. - WALE

During a poker night, one of the final two guys said his pregnant wife was on the phone going into labor and he had to go now, so they should just split the $500 winnings down the middle to make it fair. We found out the next day she was only four months pregnant. – WALE

We were playing a game of Cranium and our team lost by one point resulting in us having to do something really humiliating. Afterward one of our friends said he had the answer, but chose not to say it. When we asked why, he said he liked to keep people’s expectations of him low. – WALE

A black woman tried to get out of paying her bill by accusing me of being racist for recommending the dark chocolate desert. – WALE

A co-worker was late to the graveyard shift. He told me he couldn’t miss the Yankees Angels playoff game that went into extra innings. We are security guards and had the game on a TV in the office. – WALE

I pulled over an elderly woman driving alone in the carpool lane. When I told her of the violation, she told me I was mistaken and that she was indeed carpooling. She was driving with Jesus. – WALE

I tried to pump my own gas once but a guy came up and stopped me saying it was illegal in the state of Oregon. There were 12 other cars and it ended up taking longer than it should have. When the guy came up, he told me the wait was worth it because he was risking his life exposing himself to cancer so that I didn’t have to. - WALE

Today, the water got shut off in our apartment. When I asked my boyfriend what happened he said he couldn’t pay BOTH the water and the cable bill and he needed his cable to play games. When I asked him how we would bathe, he told me it wasn’t a problem because we have a swimming pool. – WALE

An employee didn’t feel like coming into work because he was too upset that the Dodgers had lost the playoffs. – WALE

I was at a bar flirting with a girl. I tried to make out with her and she told me I had to wait until she could see me in regular light to find out if I was really attractive enough. – WALE

My buddy and I needed to get a quick bite to eat and he told me the only place he could go was In-N-Out because it was the only Christian place to eat. – WALE

My mom said I couldn’t get a puppy for my 16th birthday because I haven’t shown enough responsibility with pets in the past. The last pet I had was a fish I forgot to feed when I was eight. – WALE

I asked my boyfriend when he was going to grow up and make something of his life. He told me not to worry because he felt his chances of winning the lottery were pretty good. – WALE

A new employee refused to clean the bathrooms after his second day at work. He told us that he didn’t have the Swine Flu vaccination and that he couldn’t risk the chance. – WALE

I caught a neighbor’s dog shitting on my lawn. When I called him out on it, he said it was my fault for not putting a fence up to keep his dog from doing what dogs do. – WALE

Lil Wayne’s album sales INCREASE because he’s going to jail. – WALE

An ex once said he couldn’t make plans to get together with for movies and sex after a recent break-up because he promised his friends he would meet them in World of Warcraft for a raid that night. – WALE

A customer challenged his credit card being charged late fees because he was in jail and couldn’t pay them. He then said he deserved an extension to pay his bill because he was having a hard time finding a job as a former convict. – WALE

Once I pulled someone over for drunk driving and he admitted his guilt, but said he shouldn’t get a ticket. He went on to explain that another cop said he couldn’t stay on private property and had to leave FORCING him to drink and drive. - WALE

Nicholas Cage has to sell of over 10 properties (including two castles) and a 132-foot yacht because he’s broke. His excuse? Saying it’s his manager’s fault for convincing him to purchase “bad” investments. – WALE

A friend of mine who said he wanted to get into shape never showed up for our gym session. Later he called me and said his power went out resetting his clock. One night weeks later while crashing at his place, I asked him if he could set his alarm clock and wake me up, he handed me the clock and told me to take care of it. It ran on batteries. – WALE

My friend skipped out on hanging out with us when he told us he thought his bike’s brake fluids were low and didn’t want to chance it. He also owns a Honda Fit. – WALE

We needed an extra guy for our football game on Sundays. I asked my friend Carlos to play, but he never showed. Later he told me had shown up, but thought that we meant his kind of football aka soccer and was too embarrassed and left. – WALE

I pulled over a guy who had a “Back the Badge” sticker on his car. When he found out I was still giving him a ticket for speeding (98 mph in a 55) he said I wasn’t supposed to because he generously donated money every year to my department. – WALE

A co-worker had explained that he had had a dream where I told him he didn’t have to come in that day as an excuse to not showing up for his shift. – WALE

A guy got pissed off when he found out his daughter’s happy meal had a hot wheel instead of a Barbie toy. He asked me how I could find this acceptable and when I told him we had run out of Barbies, he told me would never come back to a McDonald’s because they were trying to make his girl a tomboy. – WALE

I dated a guy who never answered his phone at night. His excuse was always "Sorry hun that I couldn’t call you sooner, I left my charger at work so my phone was dead.” – WALE

I was once really late to work and when trying to get out of it, I explained that I was watching baseball with my dad who I never get to see and our favorite team was in the playoffs and went into overtime. It was January, there was no baseball, and my mom raised me by herself. – WALE

A guy cancelled our date because he was trying to potty train his kitten and couldn’t leave it unattended. – WALE

A guy slipped and fell outside of our establishment while it was raining. He told us he would sue because we didn’t prevent the ground from getting wet. – WALE

My husband commutes long distances everyday for work and is always stuck in traffic. I recommended to him the Toyota Prius because it has great gas mileage and can use the carpool lane. He came home with a motorcycle instead saying that he listened to me about the benefits he should look for but never mentioned it had to have four wheels. - WALE

I had been sleeping with a girl for a few weeks and started to find sex with her boring. One night, in the heat of the moment, I tried to flip her around and she stopped the whole entire thing. I told her I was just trying a new position and she told me if I wanted to treat her like a piece of meat, I should go to the butcher’s shop. – WALE

A friend of mine had invited everyone to her party except for me. When I found out the day of and asked why I wasn’t invited, she told me I was, but that the day she meant to tell me my mood ring showed a black color and she didn’t want to talk to me if I was pissed off. – WALE

It was raining and I asked a friend to coffee and she passed. She said she only had summer shoes and flip flops and needed to go shopping for warmer shoes before she could hang out with anyone. – WALE

I watched a man get harassed by one of those Rosetta Stone software kiosks. The guy asked him if he wanted to learn a new language. He told the salesman he didn’t know how to read. He was holding a shopping bag from Borders. – WALE

I went to a party and I noticed all of our friends were at a party except for one. When we asked him why he didn’t come, he told us he was invited because he was told he wouldn’t like the music. – WALE

A customer who comes in everyday demanded special treatment. Jokingly, I said that deserves a tip. He replied that it was my job and if I wanted that something extra I better throw in a little song or dance. - WALE

My mom told me that the reason she drinks so much is because of my use of marijuana. She's been drinking for over 20 years. I've been smoking pot for 5 years. - WALE

My boyfriend canceled our dinner plans we had made weeks in advance because of school. When I came by later and asked which class it was for, he told me it wasn’t for him, but obedience school for his dog, Rex. – WALE

One time the pantry was completely empty. When I asked my sister (who doubled as a roommate) what had happened, she told me she had smelled something rotten and not taking any chances had thrown everything out. - WALE

My parents were in town from out of state and when I asked my son to join us for dinner he told he couldn’t because a Halo match was about to start that was more important. - WALE

An employee never showed up one Monday. The next day, when confronted, he explained that at his old job at a bank, the day prior was a holiday and he assumed that it was the same for every other job. – WALE

A customer called to complain about a late charge on his credit card. He told me it would have been on time when he mailed it, but the post office had just raised the price of postage by one cent (unbeknownst to him) and it was returned to sender. - WALE

An employee was late and when called, he said that it wasn’t possible. When he got to work, he tried to explain that his roommates had pulled a prank on him marking all the calendars, dates, and times in their house to Thursday instead of the actual day, Wednesday. – WALE

I had been starving all day, and when my co-worker finally returned from his lunch (which was him just sitting in the break room reading), he said he’d be right back and went to the restroom. 20 minutes passed before he came back and I was angry. When I asked him why he didn’t do that on his break, he told me if he was going to use the bathroom he was going to get paid for it. – WALE

My husband had to go pick up some item from the sports shop on our way home. Not being interested to join him, I optioned to stay in the car. When he took the keys (for his discount card) I asked him if he could park in the shade. He told me it would be a crime to not show off his new car and paint job right up front in the sun. – WALE

A woman tried to purchase clothes one time with food stamps. My manager came out and she argued with him that she should be able to. When the manager asked why, the woman replied, “Everyone has to eat sometime so these should be gold.” – WALE

My girlfriend and I were walking home from school the other day. I had my bag, my football practice bag and her backpack. All she was carrying was one text book. When her cell phone rang she asked me to grab the book and when I asked her if maybe she could just two one things at once, she told me it could aggravate her asthma condition. – WALE

While working as a toll booth operator, a man rolled up to me one time saying he no longer had the money to pay the toll. He told me that he did have it, but while idling waiting to come up, a bum from the side of the road had come up and snatched his only $5 dollar bill. – WALE

I came to realize that a customer at my work regularly kicks the door wide open. The door isn’t in the best of shape and when I confronted him on it, he told me didn’t want other people’s germs on his hands or anywhere else and that if I didn’t like it we should install an automatic door. – WALE

My boyfriend came home from a weekend with friends with a fat hickey on his neck. When I asked him what the hell was going on, he told me to relax and that it was just a bet that one of his friend’s little sister’s didn’t know how to give them. - WALE

A student’s excuse for a paper being late was that he had dropped his laptop and the “k” and “m” keys had broken off and he couldn’t type his paper. - WALE

I asked my son to help me load the groceries into our car and he told me he couldn’t because it was high noon and he didn’t want to sunburn. – WALE

An employee told us she was late because her car was trapped in her tandem garage and she didn’t want to wake her roommate for the keys because she knew she brought home a boy last night. – WALE

I had spent a lot of time flirting with this cute guy, he didn’t really seem to be interested and finally confessed that another redhead had ripped out his heart and he wasn’t ready to give “my kind” another chance yet. – WALE

It was an important game in our softball league, and one of our guys was tagged out. He would have been safe by a mile if he slid. When he got to the dugout he told us he had to use the bathroom and was afraid he would crap his pants if he had slid. – WALE

A co-worker whose turn it was to drive our carpool disappeared after work. He told me he could have sworn my wife had brought my car down to me during lunch so I could drive myself home. – WALE

All of a sudden one day, I noticed dog feces all over my backyard. I don’t own a dog. I finally caught my neighbor flinging it over our wall with a shovel. When I asked him why, he told me that they were clearly squirrel turds from the trees in my backyard and therefore, my problem. – WALE

A teenager came to the library and I informed him of a missing book. He told me he had taken it to his dad’s girlfriend’s house and there had been a big fight. He said there was a restraining order placed against them and now he can’t get near it. – WALE

One time while riding an elevator with a cute guy, suddenly it smelled really REALLY bad. The smell became so unbearable I finally couldn’t take it. When I glared at the guy, he paused and without missing a beat told me, “It must have been you.” - WALE

A friend of mine had just gotten back into town and called me up to go to dinner to share his stories. I told him, I didn’t really have much cash, and he insisted he would buy. He told me all about England and when it came time to pay, he looked at me and frowned saying he still had all his money in pounds and notes and hadn’t had a chance to convert it back to American dollars. - WALE

This is a true story. In South Carolina, a man pleaded innocent to murdering his wife saying it was actually a suicide that he tried to make look like a murder so she could still get full rights for burial in her church. – WALE

It was getting late and I told my son he needed to stop playing his video games and finish his homework. He paused and turned around saying he shouldn’t have to. When I asked him why he figured that, he told me that if he was going to someday be a video game designer he had to play a lot of games to learn what he needed to know to be successful at it. - WALE

A friend of mine discovered that someone had stolen and used some of my artwork I had put on my website. When I confronted the person about it, he told me I should be thanking him for taking mine instead of someone else's because it's better. – WALE

It had been raining recently, and when the storm finally let up, we decided to go catch some dinner after lunch. It was getting late and as we headed back to our cars, one of our friends notices a random sandbag lying around in the parking garage and threw it off to the side. Immediately a police officer (our mall uses real police) stopped us asking us to explain what we were doing and why we had thrown the sand bag. He asked us a variety of questions from vandalism to if the bag was filled with cocaine. Thinking he was just messing with us (we were all in church clothes. One of us even had on a sweater vest!) we just went with it. At the end of it he wrote us tickets! When we asked what for, he said we had just violated curfew when it was HIM who had delayed us for 15 minutes! - WALE

I was playing a game against someone on online today. The game was not going in my opponents favor and all of a sudden they wrote in the chat window "sorry I have to go work on my car" and left the game. –WALE

A student’s paper was due today, but he didn’t have it. He told me he had it, but it was locked in his car along with his keys. – WALE

I asked my best friend for some gas money (after dropping him off) that I really needed. He told me he couldn’t help me out until next paycheck because he was buying TWO video games today. – WALE

A person who got my phone number by stalking me on facebook called me the other day. Not recognizing the number, I picked up, but didn’t say anything. When he finally spoke up and I recognized the voice, I handed the phone to my friend who answered only in Spanish telling him he had the wrong number. – WALE

My girlfriend at the time and I were at our hotel on our trip to California. I figured this was the best time to take the next step in our relationship. She decided otherwise saying she didn’t want to risk being naked in case an earthquake happened. – WALE

An employee once told us that upon getting back from his vacation he had learned that his father had passed away. We all covered his shifts and got him a bunch of feel better cards and balloons. It turned out he lied about that to get a few extra days of pay for bereavement to extend his trip to the Bahamas. - WALE

My boss fired a dude because he would clock out THEN turn on the security system. This was apparently against protocol and she said that he should have acquired 75 cents more of pay the last 6 months. He said that he would take the 75 cents of pay and continue working but my boss said she had emotionally moved on and had another worker ready to take his place. - WALE

I once had to break it off with this girl because in reality I liked her best friend a lot more. I didn’t want to put that kind of damage between us, so I instead told her that I just wasn’t comfortable with her because she didn’t like death metal like me. - WALE

My girlfriend disappeared for a week. I was a nervous wreck. I finally got an e-mail from her saying she had won a free trip on a cruise line for one and had to take off immediately. - WALE

An employee once tried to get out of being late by telling me that a bee had flown into his car while driving to work. Being deathly allergic, he had to pull over and abandon his car until the bee flew out. He was two hours late. - WALE

While at the coffee shop I work at, I needed to check my e-mail to see if I had won an eBay auction. I saw a regular customer who I was pretty friendly with and asked if I could use his Mac real quick. He told me it was brand new and he didn’t want my dirty fingers discoloring the white keys. - WALE

My husband came home from work today and told me he had been fired. He told me he had been fired because a vice president had caught him with his suit turned inside out. When I asked what compelled him to do that, he just said he had lost a bet. - WALE

A customer called customer service and told me they needed the late fee waived on their account because they had just finally received the bill after an Anthrax scare had shut down the post office for a week. - WALE

One of my tenants was late on paying their rent. When I finally tracked them down, they told me they couldn’t pay me yet because their car had been repossessed late one night and their paycheck was in the car. – WALE

A guy flaked on going out with me one time because his horoscope had told him to be mindful of ill-intentions planned upon him for the day. – WALE

It came time for me to get a new car and I’d had my eye on the new Ford Mustang. As my husband and I drove towards the car dealership’s I asked him to stop in the Ford lot. He drove past saying, “As Jeff Gordon fans, this family will only ever drive Chevy.” - WALE

I pulled a guy over for speeding 85mph in a 40mph zone. When I asked him why he felt the need to be going so fast, he told me didn’t deserve a ticket because another cop had just given him one for not wearing a seatbelt and he was 45 minutes late to work so he was trying to make up lost time. – WALE

My coworker asked if we could switch shifts on a night I really wanted off. She told me she was at her peak in ovulation and really needed to be with her man. - WALE

An employee was caught not washing his hands after using the restroom. The bathroom was out of towels and he didn’t want to come out dripping water he’d have to mop up.

I got sent out to get food and when I got back my friend complained that there was a tomato on his burger when he had asked for no tomatoes. I told him I had ordered it correctly (even showed him the receipt) and he refused to pay me for lunch because the tomato had left residue on it making it not as enjoyable for him. – WALE

I had called my fiancé about our plans for the evening. He told me he was going to hang out with the “guys.” Still excited about his recent proposal, I decided to call all my girlfriends over for daiquiris. We had dinner nearby and then when we took it back to my apartment, my boyfriend was sprawled out on the couch in his boxers with a headset on. Apparently hanging with the “guys” was playing Call of Duty with his friends over the Internet. – WALE

I tried to post last night’s WALE and my internet provider was down. When I asked what was going on, he said maybe the release of the new Halo game had overloaded the system. I guess I’ll use the same excuse to explain to my teacher why my homework postings were late. - WALE

I asked a friend if he wanted to get a drink and watch the game. He told me couldn't because he was “watching paint dry”. I found out later that he was apparently staining furniture with his wife and they were layering it over time to get the right effect on the wood. – WALE

An employee showed up horrendously late to work one day. He was a foreign exchange student and it was hard to understand what he said it times. When I asked him why, he slowly spoke to me that in his culture, it was a sign of great respect to show up late and wanted to make sure he honored me. - WALE

Once on a vacation to Santa Barbara my girlfriend made me cancel our plans to attend the last day of a festival when she learned one of her favorite actors was buried at the local cemetery. It’s not like he was going anywhere. – WALE

My classmate flaked on meeting up to work on a school project that was worth a large part of our grade. Feeling pushy, I asked what had come up and he told me he told me a meeting had been scheduled last minute. When I asked what kind of meeting, he told me it was the secret kind he couldn't talk about. – WALE

A student came in to petition why he had been dropped from his classes. When I told him of the outstanding payments on his account, he told me that he had never received them and that it must have been the fault of his next door neighbor’s dog who had violently attacked the mail man a few weeks, eating and destroying most of the mail. – WALE

A new employee was late to an important conference call. When asked what had happened, he said he thought it was supposed to be in person and had driven to my office (I conference from my home) only to find no one there, so he turned around and went home. - WALE

My roommate had racked up a bunch of gay porn pay-per-views on my cable bill totaling over $250 dollars. When I came to collect, he denied it (he’s the only gay one in the house), then he tried to say he didn’t know it cost extra and finally tried to barter that he would take out the trash everyday and not leave his dishes in the sink for others to clean up to pay off his debt. Things he should have already been doing in the first place. – WALE

My sister had her cell phone taken away for running up her cell phone bill going over her minutes. I needed her to take me to hockey practice (all of my gear is really heavy) and she said she couldn't and that I needed to walk because she had to wait by the home phone for her boyfriend to call since she didn’t have a cell phone at the moment. – WALE

A guy at jack in the box ordered 20 tacos late one night. When I gave him his total at the window he told me had spent all his money on weed but was willing to share a bowl with me in exchange for the food. – WALE

My friend was down to come to the movies, but when he found out he had to pay for himself, he told me he didn't want to go and see THAT movie because he had already seen the trailer and had seen all the good parts. - WALE

One time while changing cars in a parking lot, we discovered another coworker climbing into the back of a camper shell in his truck. When we recognized each other, he told our group that he was thinking about buying one and wanted to see what it would look like on his truck. We found out a few days later his wife had kicked him out of the house and he was living in it. – WALE

Once when I was dating this girl, her younger sister had this total jerkoff of a boyfriend living with them and mooching off the family. I ignored it because it wasn’t my place. Finally he felt bad and decided to treat us all to dinner. When it came time to pay, his card was denied and as the waiter handed it back I looked at the card and noticed a completely different name on it. When I asked him what the hell was going on he told me in hushed tones that he belonged to a large crime family back east and was in hiding. – WALE

After a wedding we had attended, my fiancé and I talked about our last names and whose should change. She surprised me by saying I should take hers. When I asked why she explained that while I have brothers, there were no men left to continue the family name on her side and that it would fall on her to continue the family tree. She wasn’t joking. – WALE

My classmate flaked on meeting up to work on a school project that was worth a large part of our grade. Feeling pushy, I asked what had come up and he told me he told me a meeting had been scheduled last minute. When I asked what kind of meeting, he told me it was the secret kind he couldn't talk about. - WALE

My cousin passed on watching me in a reenactment of the Civil War battle of Gettysburg saying she was a pacifist and didn't condone violence. Even if it was choreographed. - WALE

An employee claimed to be late for work because he had been getting a bagel when the shop was robbed and he had to stay to leave a statement for the police. - WALE

I stopped dating a guy because he loved science-fiction a bit too much. I told him I was having serious considerations to follow my aunt and join a convent for nuns. - WALE

My biological mother got angry when she found out she wasn't invited to my wedding. I haven't seen her in 26 years since I was four. She defended her right to come by not only saying she birthed me, but that she took the time to give me up to a "winning" family. Thanks Mom. - WALE

My friend and I were supposed to have a beach day. She never showed up to my house and didn't answer my calls. When I found her a few days later she told me she had decided to tryout for American Idol and forgot all about me. - WALE

I caught my youngest son hitting and pushing some neighborhood kids around. When I asked him why, he told me that if I had bought him some new fighting game he had really wanted, he could have just played with that instead of having to pretend to "beat up" kids in real life. - WALE

Back in the day when I worked for a collections agency, I called a client who had large outstanding bills due. When I asked how he wanted to settle his claim, he told me that he didn't feel responsible because he had ramped up his credit card spending assuming the Y2K computer failure was going to wipe the slate clean. - WALE

My friend said he couldn't go to my party because he couldn't drive because he didn't have a ride. During my party he got in a car accident. He called me to say "I told you I can't drive,” and that it was my fault. – WALE

My co-worker and I got written up for being late. My co-worker tried to tell our boss she was late picking me up for work because two Sparks she had kept in her closet for over a year had exploded all over her door and extra clothes and she had to clean her entire closet before she could come pick me up… at 4 AM. She didn’t want any of her stuff to be sticky. - WALE

One night my boyfriend got a hysterical phone call from our friend. She told us that her boyfriend had told her to go lay down in bed and that he loved her while he got her best friend a blanket and he'd see her in a second. After ten minutes she heard noises from the other room and got up to check it out. Turned out her boyfriend was on the couch doing the deed with her best friend. After she walked out of the house, he came out and told her that he was so angry with himself for doing that to her. After fifteen minutes she went back in the house and they were at it again! The next day he said had blacked out and didn't know what she was talking about.

A fellow student taking an online course at NYU tried to get out of being late to an exam by telling the teacher he thought the exam was at 5 PACIFIC standard time and that he thought he was showing up super early to get prepped for the exam. - WALE

My boyfriend dumped me today. When I asked why he told me his mother didn't approve of me saying I wasn’t his type and that he should start looking for someone else while in his prime. – WALE

I had just bought some fruit one day and by the end of the day I noticed it was all gone. I asked my brother what had happened to it and he had told me he smelled something rotten. Not to take any chances, he threw it all away. – WALE

A customer once had asked to use the restroom. We handed him the key and he went to the back. When he returned he informed us that the toilet was clogged. We told him we’d fix it, but that he’d probably want to go next door to use another bathroom. He told us it was ok and that he had just peed in the sink instead. – WALE

I pulled a person over for speeding and they told me that it was their birthday. They must have forgotten that that information is displayed on their driver’s license or they forgot what month they were in. – WALE

My friend stopped seeing her boyfriend of three years when she found out from another friend that her boyfriend secretly had a non-malignant cancer. She was afraid she would contract it as well if she stayed around. – WALE

I came home one day and discovered my fridge had been completely emptied, even the shelves were gone. When I asked what happened my roommate told me he had thrown a party over the weekend and needed a place to keep the keg cold. – WALE

A girl canceled our lunch date saying the humidity was too severe and it would ruin her hair right before work. - WALE

I once complained to customer service about my phone being broken. They told me to look at the back and tell me what color a stripe was. I told them it was red and they said the warranty doesn’t cover water damage. I tried to tell them the neighbor’s dog had grabbed it and chewed on it. - WALE

I ran into an old flame at my 25-year high school reunion. I had dumped her back in the day telling her she was too immature and that it wasn’t meant to be. We reflected on the past and before we knew it were seeing each other. Before things got too serious, she asked if I was sure this time around. I said yes. When I grew tired of her a few months later I told her she was the exact same person from high school that had never changed. – WALE

My boyfriend disappeared for four days and I began to genuinely worry. When I finally tracked him down he had said he had turned off his phone to test how much I cared and whether we were ready to take things to the next level. – WALE

I once was working in a retail store and felt uneasy about a customer with some super shifty eyes. At one point I happened to walk past him as I saw him put something in his pocket. When I came up, I could see the telltale blocky shape of a music CD case in his pocket. When I asked him if I could see what was in his pocket, he told me it was his personal dictionary and that I was being racist accusing him of not being intelligent enough to carry one around and left the store. - WALE

I met a girl at a bar and after hanging out for a bit we decided to head back to my place. We drove separately so she could leave in the morning. On the drive home, I stopped at a red light and got rear ended. I get out of the car to see the girl I met at the bar. She apologized saying she was texting her husband that she wasn’t coming home and wasn’t paying attention to the road. – WALE

A girl was once giving me some oral relations and being as turned on as I was, proceeded to return the favor. She freaked out and stopped everything telling me that she thought I was pushing too fast for a relationship. – WALE

My boyfriend broke up with me. He told me I was the perfect girl, but that my boobs weren't big enough for his tastes. – WALE

This girl had been nagging me to go out with her for a while so I finally caved. She was OK, but when we made out at the end of the night, she was such a horrible kisser that I told her I couldn't continue because I was gay. – WALE

My girlfriend at the time caught me in my bedroom with another girl. We were both in our underwear. When she asked me to explain what was going on I told her we were doing a photo shoot using lingerie for a photography class. When she asked where MY clothes were, I told her I had spilled something on them and that those AND all my other clothes were in the washer and dryer. – WALE

An employee once tried to call out saying he was broken down at a mechanic shop. Apparently he didn't realize my phone has caller ID and showed up as "Brad Home". – WALE

I had once let my son borrow my card to fill up his gas tank. When I looked at my bank statement several days later I noticed an additional $150 in charges. When I asked him what they were about, he told me he must have confused cards. Our cards are different colors and have our own respective pictures. To make matters worse, he used it as a debit putting in my PIN code. – WALE

After a long night of partying, my friends and I got pulled over. When asked if I had been drinking I said I was Mormon and could not drink for religious reasons. The cop quickly noticed the cross hanging from my neck. - WALE

I had once asked a girl out for drinks. She told me she wasn't going to being staying in town long enough to get to know me and didn't want to waste each other's time. – WALE

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. When I called her on it, she said she had left me an email and changed her relationship status on facebook and that it was my fault I hadn't checked recently. – WALE

I once had a patient at my pharmacy pick up an order for 300 Vicodin. Within the week he was back holding a vial full of cloudy water. He tried to convince us that he fell into the spa with the bottle still in his pocket and all of his meds had dissolved. He needed more. – WALE

I got pulled over one time for turning left against a red light. A policeman immediately pulled me over and asked why I had ran the light. I told him I wasn’t from this area and my GPS had told me to turn left so I just did it, trusting its judgment. – WALE

I went with a group of friends to a gig. I offered to drive on the way and that someone else would drive home. Everyone partied in the car on the way down and when we parked and I tried to get some alcohol for myself they denied me because everyone was already too drunk that I had to be the DD on the way home. – WALE

I was drinking with my friends in a park one time. A cop appeared out of nowhere and looked at all the the beer lying around. He tried to write me a ticket for being drunk in public. I told him the beer couldn’t be mine because I was 13 weeks pregnant and stuck my belly out as far as I could. – WALE

A date I was on ended abruptly after I told a girl how many children I wanted to have. She told me my 5-year-plan didn’t sync with hers. – WALE

When I used to work at a fast food restaurant a customer came up and ordered a double cheeseburger with no cheese (AKA a hamburger). I put the order through and went on to help the next customer. That customer came back yelling at me that there was cheese on the burger. He demanded an additional free meal claiming that IF he had been lactose intolerant he could have died. –WALE

It was my 20th birthday and my friend told me she couldn’t make it because she had severe sunburn. – WALE

Kanye West justifying his rude actions because he felt MTV was racist. - WALE

A movie had gone missing on a customer's account. When I informed her that it was missing she swore she turned it in and that an employee must have stolen it. I told her I highly doubted one of us needed to add The Wiggles Sing-a-Long to their collection. – WALE

A customer called and asked if they could return their movies late because their car was in the shop for the next few days. I said no problem and as I wrote the note on their account, I noticed their address was only one block away from our store. They could have walked. The movies were 13 days late. – WALE

I informed a customer of a $5.00 late fee and they said they couldn't pay it today. They paid for their other movies with a hundred dollar bill. – WALE

A customer came in complaining about a movie they had rented. It was subtitled and he demanded we give him two free rentals for his inconvenience stating that if he wanted to read he would have bought a book. – WALE

I called a customer to tell them about a missing movie. Nobody answered. When they finally came in and complained that no one notified them sooner, we told them we called. They said we shouldn't use a company label for our phone number because when it came up on their caller ID they thought we were trying to sell them something. - WALE

A customer came in freaking about late fees. She told me that they couldn't be hers because she hasn't been in to rent. I told her she had and then she said we didn't check IDs. I told her on her account we always were forced to and she proceeded to tell me she had a twin sister who looked exactly like her. - WALE

A customer had old late fees from a few months back on their account. When I reminded them about it, they said no one ever told them. I told them that the late fees were indeed valid and they told me they would have paid them THEN, but could no longer now and needed me to take them off. – WALE

A customer brought back a movie with the words “Bad” and “Broken" written in permanent marker all over the case and disc ruining the data side. When I called the customer to ask what had happened, he told me had written on the disc so that OTHER customers would know that it didn’t work and that he shouldn’t be charged to replace it because he was just trying to be a hero. - WALE

I had a stage 5 clinger who wouldn't leave me alone. Attempt after attempt he wouldn't get the message that I wasn't interested. In deseperation, I told him that I had witnessed a heinous crime and was being put in the witness protection program. I changed my phone number, and tweaked my name on social websites so that I couldn't be found. - WALE

I had just been dumped after a long and serious relationship and asked a friend if she could go grab a drink with me to get it off my mind. She told me that it was her “TV night” with her fiancée and that she couldn’t miss it. She has Tivo. - WALE

My sister and I had just bought expensive tickets to see our favorite band up close. At the last minute she told me she couldn’t go. I scrambled to dump the ticket and ended up going with this guy that desperately would like to date me. While at the concert, I saw my sister. When I asked her what was going on, she told me had decided to go with another group of friends up in the cheap seats because a boy she really liked would be with them. - WALE

This guy from my school had asked me out and I wasn’t that into him, but he seemed like a nice enough guy that one date wouldn’t hurt. We were supposed to go to the zoo, but before we could go, I met another guy who I hit it off with really well. I completely forgot about my other date at the zoo. When I saw the guy from school he asked me what had happened, before I could say anything my new man showed up with flowers. I told my classmate that the guy was my brother and it was my birthday. - WALE

My boyfriend and I were on a break, but things had been looking on the bright side. One night he came over in the middle of the night and told me that I was the one. The next day I went to visit him at work, but he wasn’t there. Then I got a call from a friend saying he was the movies with another girl. When I caught him there, he told me she’d be leaving in a few days. - WALE

I hooked up one of my girlfriends with a guy I knew from work and when I asked her how the date went she said she couldn't date him because she noticed when she got in his car that his forearms were too short. I still don’t know what that means. - WALE

It was my eighteenth birthday party and I had everyone from my class at my house. At one point my iPod Touch went missing. We locked down the house and searched everyone. One of my “friends” found it out in the backyard in the “bushes.” – WALE

My birthday was coming up and my boyfriend told me we’d be doing something fun for my birthday. The day of, I’m informed that he went to San Francisco. When I asked about that fun thing we would be doing he told me he had sent me a card. – WALE

A customer returned a set of DJ headphones and when I asked him what was wrong with them, he told me they made his head look really small. – WALE

I moved across the United States and my friend is always harping on me to visit. One day she called me and told me that she had over two thousands dollars saved in the bank, and then started giving me grief about not coming out to see her. When I asked her why she couldn’t come out to visit me, she told me doesn’t have any money. – WALE

One of my associates disappeared from work for a while. When they came back I spoke to them about the disappearance but then repeated it again. When I asked the reasoning behind it, they replied "I only come in when I need the money." – WALE

A large party for a friends going away celebration was canceled last minute when the host’ called us telling us her boyfriend had fallen asleep in the bathtub and flooded the apartment complex. I went by a month or two later to say hi and when I used the bathroom I noticed they only have a shower with no tub. – WALE

On Sundays, a lot of my friends get together to play sports. After a few hours I was hungry and my boyfriend offered to drive through Taco Bell. I gave him some cash and sent him on his way. When he got back I found him eating the last taco. I asked where my food was and he told me he didn’t have anything else because he didn’t know what I wanted. – WALE

When I showed up to my work’s softball team with a cast on my ankle, everyone wanted to know what had happened. I told them that I had lost a bar fight and had been beaten up. The only thing that “beat me up” was a large pole that I had drunkenly run into while screwing around on the work site during St. Patrick’s Day and was afraid of losing my job if anyone found out. - WALE

I had asked a girl to come join me and my friends in the Jacuzzi. She told me she didn’t want to come because she doesn’t know how to swim. – WALE

I was in the car with my girlfriend and got a call from my ex. I answered the phone so as not to look like I was hiding something. Like a deaf idiot I had my volume turned as loud as it would go and my girlfriend could hear another girl’s voice. I quickly got off the phone and tried to explain that it was one of my best friends calling me and pretending to be a girl. I told her it was a joke we play on each other. - WALE

I was in the middle of getting it on with a girl when there was a knock at the door. The girl went to the door and told me we had to stop. She had to go clean her parent’s bed because her best friend has just pissed herself in it. – WALE

I had been flirting with this cute boy at a beach party and decided to tag along with him to ride back to the house for the rest of the party. He then suddenly told me I had to ride with someone else because he didn’t want sand on the upholstery in his new car. - WALE

A lady at work asked for a sleeve for her iced coffee. I told her we were running low and really needed to save them for customers getting hot beverages. She told me she had to have one because she doesn’t like touching wet things. – WALE

When I worked at McDonald's one of my employees called in sick to work because it was his dead grandmother's 100th birthday and his family was celebrating. The manager approved it. – WALE

We were expecting company over for dinner and I was a mess preparing the meal while my husband cleaned and tidied up the house. Hours later I realized my husband had disregarded all of his chores and the house was a disaster. His excuse? He had gotten on a hot streak while playing online poker with fake money. – WALE

I was seeing a guy for a few weeks and one night he was supposed to come pick me up to go out. He sent me a text when he was on his way but he never showed up. I called him a few times because I was concerned that something might have happened, but no response. He called me the next afternoon saying that he was sorry but he fell asleep. When I asked him about saying he was on his way, he told me he truly was. He said he was narcoleptic and fell asleep in his car. - WALE

My girlfriend and I were at a party and she went to go get two Pepsis. When she returned she had one regular and one diet telling me they were out of regular. She slid me the diet one, and when I asked why she told me I was more likely to get diabetes. – WALE

My flight plans had been changed and I ended up coming home early from a conference. Excited to be home, I called my husband and asked if he could come get me at the airport and he told me I would have to wait until after the football game was over. – WALE

I was supposed to pick up my girlfriend today from school but never did. She was pretty mad. When she asked me why I didn’t show, I just blamed it on my mom. In reality I just wanted to sleep in. - WALE

In the navy I broke my leg. When they asked how I broke it, I told them that the wind from a hurricane shut the door on it at the bowling alley near by. Actually, my Navy buddy threw a bowling ball into my leg while we were drinking. - WALE

This girl once shot me down by saying she couldn’t date a friend. I found out later that she's dated a few mutual friends. - WALE

For a summer I had a really crappy job selling frozen steaks out of a truck as a door to door salesman. When I went up to one door, they politely told me they were vegans. I could see a barbecue with a couple of pork chops on their side yard. – WALE

When my wife uses the bathroom she always has to turn on the faucet. When I asked her why, she told me she doesn’t want me to hear. Too bad she can’t do anything about farting in her sleep. - WALE

I had been dating a guy for a few weeks and once we had reached the point that I was comfortable sleeping with him, he called it quits saying his family only allows him to date other Persians. – WALE

My co-worker went on his lunch break and disappeared. He didn’t come back for three hours. When I asked him why he was late, he told me that he smoked too much weed and forgot how to get back to his job. – WALE

A friend of mine flaked last minute on plans to hang with some friends to instead go on a date with some hot chick. We found out later that “some hot chick” was a playful euphemism for his right hand. – WALE

The city I live in has a strict helmet law. So when I saw a kid riding his bicycle without a helmet I pulled him over to give him a ticket. When I asked him why he wasn’t wearing a helmet he told me he was going out on a date and didn’t want to mess up his hairdo. – WALE

I had invited this girl I liked to my church’s potluck. She declined telling me she didn’t like people seeing her eat because it makes her feel fat. – WALE

My secretary friend had to take a week off of unpaid vacation because her boss had to recuperate from having his genitals caught in the nozzle jet of a Jacuzzi during his vacation. – WALE

My date for the night canceled on me. When I asked why he told me it was because he had gotten his ex girlfriend pregnant and had to take her to planned parenthood for an emergency visit. – WALE

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I looked too much like her brother naked. - WALE

I asked my friend to come out with me to the bar one night after I just got a bonus check from work (drinks on me) and he said he couldn't because he had "a raid" in World of Warcraft in an hour. - WALE

I had come home from a long day of work and wanted to get rid of some stress. I went up to my wife and tried to be sexy with her. She didn’t really play along and when I finally asked why she wasn’t interested, she told me she had just masturbated an hour before and wasn’t in the mood. – WALE

An employee of mine ended up showing late to work again today and was written up for it. When asked why he was late. He told me he couldn’t find matching socks. He wears pants at work. - WALE

At one point early on in high school I decided I wanted to take a couple of AP courses since I wanted more of a challenge. So when I got around to asking my guidance counselor about signing up for a class she told me they don't offer those kinds of classes to students like me. - WALE


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After dating a girl for a few weeks, we went back to my place one night and started making out on the bed. She decided she couldn’t date me anymore when she saw my child’s size “special” helmet that I wore as a child after a head injury and kept to remind me of what I had overcome. - WALE

My girlfriend and I had just gotten a place together and decided to split the chores evenly. I had cooked a challenging meal and afterward was told that even though it was her turn, she couldn't do the dishes because she had just gotten her nails done. - WALE

I was out of town on my birthday and my boyfriend forgot all about it. He said it didn't matter because we had already celebrated it the weekend before and that the "specialness" had already passed. - WALE


I asked a neighbor of mine if some of the local kids could wash his car for one dollar to fund a trip to Disneyland. He said no because it was going to rain. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. - WALE

Today a customer at my work was balking about her late fee of 16 days. She explained the reason she couldn’t return them on time was because her hamster had died. – WALE

Share your lame excuse with the rest of the world at sharealameexcuse@gmail.com