When my wife uses the bathroom she always has to turn on the faucet. When I asked her why, she told me she doesn’t want me to hear. Too bad she can’t do anything about farting in her sleep. - WALE

I had been dating a guy for a few weeks and once we had reached the point that I was comfortable sleeping with him, he called it quits saying his family only allows him to date other Persians. – WALE

My co-worker went on his lunch break and disappeared. He didn’t come back for three hours. When I asked him why he was late, he told me that he smoked too much weed and forgot how to get back to his job. – WALE

A friend of mine flaked last minute on plans to hang with some friends to instead go on a date with some hot chick. We found out later that “some hot chick” was a playful euphemism for his right hand. – WALE

The city I live in has a strict helmet law. So when I saw a kid riding his bicycle without a helmet I pulled him over to give him a ticket. When I asked him why he wasn’t wearing a helmet he told me he was going out on a date and didn’t want to mess up his hairdo. – WALE

I had invited this girl I liked to my church’s potluck. She declined telling me she didn’t like people seeing her eat because it makes her feel fat. – WALE

My secretary friend had to take a week off of unpaid vacation because her boss had to recuperate from having his genitals caught in the nozzle jet of a Jacuzzi during his vacation. – WALE