Today, the water got shut off in our apartment. When I asked my boyfriend what happened he said he couldn’t pay BOTH the water and the cable bill and he needed his cable to play games. When I asked him how we would bathe, he told me it wasn’t a problem because we have a swimming pool. – WALE

An employee didn’t feel like coming into work because he was too upset that the Dodgers had lost the playoffs. – WALE

I was at a bar flirting with a girl. I tried to make out with her and she told me I had to wait until she could see me in regular light to find out if I was really attractive enough. – WALE

My buddy and I needed to get a quick bite to eat and he told me the only place he could go was In-N-Out because it was the only Christian place to eat. – WALE

My mom said I couldn’t get a puppy for my 16th birthday because I haven’t shown enough responsibility with pets in the past. The last pet I had was a fish I forgot to feed when I was eight. – WALE

I asked my boyfriend when he was going to grow up and make something of his life. He told me not to worry because he felt his chances of winning the lottery were pretty good. – WALE

A new employee refused to clean the bathrooms after his second day at work. He told us that he didn’t have the Swine Flu vaccination and that he couldn’t risk the chance. – WALE

I caught a neighbor’s dog shitting on my lawn. When I called him out on it, he said it was my fault for not putting a fence up to keep his dog from doing what dogs do. – WALE

Lil Wayne’s album sales INCREASE because he’s going to jail. – WALE

An ex once said he couldn’t make plans to get together with for movies and sex after a recent break-up because he promised his friends he would meet them in World of Warcraft for a raid that night. – WALE

A customer challenged his credit card being charged late fees because he was in jail and couldn’t pay them. He then said he deserved an extension to pay his bill because he was having a hard time finding a job as a former convict. – WALE

Once I pulled someone over for drunk driving and he admitted his guilt, but said he shouldn’t get a ticket. He went on to explain that another cop said he couldn’t stay on private property and had to leave FORCING him to drink and drive. - WALE

Nicholas Cage has to sell of over 10 properties (including two castles) and a 132-foot yacht because he’s broke. His excuse? Saying it’s his manager’s fault for convincing him to purchase “bad” investments. – WALE

A friend of mine who said he wanted to get into shape never showed up for our gym session. Later he called me and said his power went out resetting his clock. One night weeks later while crashing at his place, I asked him if he could set his alarm clock and wake me up, he handed me the clock and told me to take care of it. It ran on batteries. – WALE

My friend skipped out on hanging out with us when he told us he thought his bike’s brake fluids were low and didn’t want to chance it. He also owns a Honda Fit. – WALE

We needed an extra guy for our football game on Sundays. I asked my friend Carlos to play, but he never showed. Later he told me had shown up, but thought that we meant his kind of football aka soccer and was too embarrassed and left. – WALE

I pulled over a guy who had a “Back the Badge” sticker on his car. When he found out I was still giving him a ticket for speeding (98 mph in a 55) he said I wasn’t supposed to because he generously donated money every year to my department. – WALE

A co-worker had explained that he had had a dream where I told him he didn’t have to come in that day as an excuse to not showing up for his shift. – WALE

A guy got pissed off when he found out his daughter’s happy meal had a hot wheel instead of a Barbie toy. He asked me how I could find this acceptable and when I told him we had run out of Barbies, he told me would never come back to a McDonald’s because they were trying to make his girl a tomboy. – WALE

I dated a guy who never answered his phone at night. His excuse was always "Sorry hun that I couldn’t call you sooner, I left my charger at work so my phone was dead.” – WALE

I was once really late to work and when trying to get out of it, I explained that I was watching baseball with my dad who I never get to see and our favorite team was in the playoffs and went into overtime. It was January, there was no baseball, and my mom raised me by herself. – WALE

A guy cancelled our date because he was trying to potty train his kitten and couldn’t leave it unattended. – WALE

A guy slipped and fell outside of our establishment while it was raining. He told us he would sue because we didn’t prevent the ground from getting wet. – WALE

My husband commutes long distances everyday for work and is always stuck in traffic. I recommended to him the Toyota Prius because it has great gas mileage and can use the carpool lane. He came home with a motorcycle instead saying that he listened to me about the benefits he should look for but never mentioned it had to have four wheels. - WALE

I had been sleeping with a girl for a few weeks and started to find sex with her boring. One night, in the heat of the moment, I tried to flip her around and she stopped the whole entire thing. I told her I was just trying a new position and she told me if I wanted to treat her like a piece of meat, I should go to the butcher’s shop. – WALE

A friend of mine had invited everyone to her party except for me. When I found out the day of and asked why I wasn’t invited, she told me I was, but that the day she meant to tell me my mood ring showed a black color and she didn’t want to talk to me if I was pissed off. – WALE

It was raining and I asked a friend to coffee and she passed. She said she only had summer shoes and flip flops and needed to go shopping for warmer shoes before she could hang out with anyone. – WALE

I watched a man get harassed by one of those Rosetta Stone software kiosks. The guy asked him if he wanted to learn a new language. He told the salesman he didn’t know how to read. He was holding a shopping bag from Borders. – WALE

I went to a party and I noticed all of our friends were at a party except for one. When we asked him why he didn’t come, he told us he was invited because he was told he wouldn’t like the music. – WALE

A customer who comes in everyday demanded special treatment. Jokingly, I said that deserves a tip. He replied that it was my job and if I wanted that something extra I better throw in a little song or dance. - WALE

My mom told me that the reason she drinks so much is because of my use of marijuana. She's been drinking for over 20 years. I've been smoking pot for 5 years. - WALE

My boyfriend canceled our dinner plans we had made weeks in advance because of school. When I came by later and asked which class it was for, he told me it wasn’t for him, but obedience school for his dog, Rex. – WALE

One time the pantry was completely empty. When I asked my sister (who doubled as a roommate) what had happened, she told me she had smelled something rotten and not taking any chances had thrown everything out. - WALE

My parents were in town from out of state and when I asked my son to join us for dinner he told he couldn’t because a Halo match was about to start that was more important. - WALE

An employee never showed up one Monday. The next day, when confronted, he explained that at his old job at a bank, the day prior was a holiday and he assumed that it was the same for every other job. – WALE

A customer called to complain about a late charge on his credit card. He told me it would have been on time when he mailed it, but the post office had just raised the price of postage by one cent (unbeknownst to him) and it was returned to sender. - WALE

An employee was late and when called, he said that it wasn’t possible. When he got to work, he tried to explain that his roommates had pulled a prank on him marking all the calendars, dates, and times in their house to Thursday instead of the actual day, Wednesday. – WALE

I had been starving all day, and when my co-worker finally returned from his lunch (which was him just sitting in the break room reading), he said he’d be right back and went to the restroom. 20 minutes passed before he came back and I was angry. When I asked him why he didn’t do that on his break, he told me if he was going to use the bathroom he was going to get paid for it. – WALE

My husband had to go pick up some item from the sports shop on our way home. Not being interested to join him, I optioned to stay in the car. When he took the keys (for his discount card) I asked him if he could park in the shade. He told me it would be a crime to not show off his new car and paint job right up front in the sun. – WALE

A woman tried to purchase clothes one time with food stamps. My manager came out and she argued with him that she should be able to. When the manager asked why, the woman replied, “Everyone has to eat sometime so these should be gold.” – WALE

My girlfriend and I were walking home from school the other day. I had my bag, my football practice bag and her backpack. All she was carrying was one text book. When her cell phone rang she asked me to grab the book and when I asked her if maybe she could just two one things at once, she told me it could aggravate her asthma condition. – WALE

While working as a toll booth operator, a man rolled up to me one time saying he no longer had the money to pay the toll. He told me that he did have it, but while idling waiting to come up, a bum from the side of the road had come up and snatched his only $5 dollar bill. – WALE

I came to realize that a customer at my work regularly kicks the door wide open. The door isn’t in the best of shape and when I confronted him on it, he told me didn’t want other people’s germs on his hands or anywhere else and that if I didn’t like it we should install an automatic door. – WALE

My boyfriend came home from a weekend with friends with a fat hickey on his neck. When I asked him what the hell was going on, he told me to relax and that it was just a bet that one of his friend’s little sister’s didn’t know how to give them. - WALE

A student’s excuse for a paper being late was that he had dropped his laptop and the “k” and “m” keys had broken off and he couldn’t type his paper. - WALE

I asked my son to help me load the groceries into our car and he told me he couldn’t because it was high noon and he didn’t want to sunburn. – WALE

An employee told us she was late because her car was trapped in her tandem garage and she didn’t want to wake her roommate for the keys because she knew she brought home a boy last night. – WALE

I had spent a lot of time flirting with this cute guy, he didn’t really seem to be interested and finally confessed that another redhead had ripped out his heart and he wasn’t ready to give “my kind” another chance yet. – WALE

It was an important game in our softball league, and one of our guys was tagged out. He would have been safe by a mile if he slid. When he got to the dugout he told us he had to use the bathroom and was afraid he would crap his pants if he had slid. – WALE

A co-worker whose turn it was to drive our carpool disappeared after work. He told me he could have sworn my wife had brought my car down to me during lunch so I could drive myself home. – WALE

All of a sudden one day, I noticed dog feces all over my backyard. I don’t own a dog. I finally caught my neighbor flinging it over our wall with a shovel. When I asked him why, he told me that they were clearly squirrel turds from the trees in my backyard and therefore, my problem. – WALE

A teenager came to the library and I informed him of a missing book. He told me he had taken it to his dad’s girlfriend’s house and there had been a big fight. He said there was a restraining order placed against them and now he can’t get near it. – WALE