One time while riding an elevator with a cute guy, suddenly it smelled really REALLY bad. The smell became so unbearable I finally couldn’t take it. When I glared at the guy, he paused and without missing a beat told me, “It must have been you.” - WALE

A friend of mine had just gotten back into town and called me up to go to dinner to share his stories. I told him, I didn’t really have much cash, and he insisted he would buy. He told me all about England and when it came time to pay, he looked at me and frowned saying he still had all his money in pounds and notes and hadn’t had a chance to convert it back to American dollars. - WALE

This is a true story. In South Carolina, a man pleaded innocent to murdering his wife saying it was actually a suicide that he tried to make look like a murder so she could still get full rights for burial in her church. – WALE

It was getting late and I told my son he needed to stop playing his video games and finish his homework. He paused and turned around saying he shouldn’t have to. When I asked him why he figured that, he told me that if he was going to someday be a video game designer he had to play a lot of games to learn what he needed to know to be successful at it. - WALE

A friend of mine discovered that someone had stolen and used some of my artwork I had put on my website. When I confronted the person about it, he told me I should be thanking him for taking mine instead of someone else's because it's better. – WALE

It had been raining recently, and when the storm finally let up, we decided to go catch some dinner after lunch. It was getting late and as we headed back to our cars, one of our friends notices a random sandbag lying around in the parking garage and threw it off to the side. Immediately a police officer (our mall uses real police) stopped us asking us to explain what we were doing and why we had thrown the sand bag. He asked us a variety of questions from vandalism to if the bag was filled with cocaine. Thinking he was just messing with us (we were all in church clothes. One of us even had on a sweater vest!) we just went with it. At the end of it he wrote us tickets! When we asked what for, he said we had just violated curfew when it was HIM who had delayed us for 15 minutes! - WALE

I was playing a game against someone on online today. The game was not going in my opponents favor and all of a sudden they wrote in the chat window "sorry I have to go work on my car" and left the game. –WALE

A student’s paper was due today, but he didn’t have it. He told me he had it, but it was locked in his car along with his keys. – WALE

I asked my best friend for some gas money (after dropping him off) that I really needed. He told me he couldn’t help me out until next paycheck because he was buying TWO video games today. – WALE

A person who got my phone number by stalking me on facebook called me the other day. Not recognizing the number, I picked up, but didn’t say anything. When he finally spoke up and I recognized the voice, I handed the phone to my friend who answered only in Spanish telling him he had the wrong number. – WALE

My girlfriend at the time and I were at our hotel on our trip to California. I figured this was the best time to take the next step in our relationship. She decided otherwise saying she didn’t want to risk being naked in case an earthquake happened. – WALE

An employee once told us that upon getting back from his vacation he had learned that his father had passed away. We all covered his shifts and got him a bunch of feel better cards and balloons. It turned out he lied about that to get a few extra days of pay for bereavement to extend his trip to the Bahamas. - WALE

My boss fired a dude because he would clock out THEN turn on the security system. This was apparently against protocol and she said that he should have acquired 75 cents more of pay the last 6 months. He said that he would take the 75 cents of pay and continue working but my boss said she had emotionally moved on and had another worker ready to take his place. - WALE

I once had to break it off with this girl because in reality I liked her best friend a lot more. I didn’t want to put that kind of damage between us, so I instead told her that I just wasn’t comfortable with her because she didn’t like death metal like me. - WALE

My girlfriend disappeared for a week. I was a nervous wreck. I finally got an e-mail from her saying she had won a free trip on a cruise line for one and had to take off immediately. - WALE

An employee once tried to get out of being late by telling me that a bee had flown into his car while driving to work. Being deathly allergic, he had to pull over and abandon his car until the bee flew out. He was two hours late. - WALE

While at the coffee shop I work at, I needed to check my e-mail to see if I had won an eBay auction. I saw a regular customer who I was pretty friendly with and asked if I could use his Mac real quick. He told me it was brand new and he didn’t want my dirty fingers discoloring the white keys. - WALE

My husband came home from work today and told me he had been fired. He told me he had been fired because a vice president had caught him with his suit turned inside out. When I asked what compelled him to do that, he just said he had lost a bet. - WALE

A customer called customer service and told me they needed the late fee waived on their account because they had just finally received the bill after an Anthrax scare had shut down the post office for a week. - WALE

One of my tenants was late on paying their rent. When I finally tracked them down, they told me they couldn’t pay me yet because their car had been repossessed late one night and their paycheck was in the car. – WALE

A guy flaked on going out with me one time because his horoscope had told him to be mindful of ill-intentions planned upon him for the day. – WALE

It came time for me to get a new car and I’d had my eye on the new Ford Mustang. As my husband and I drove towards the car dealership’s I asked him to stop in the Ford lot. He drove past saying, “As Jeff Gordon fans, this family will only ever drive Chevy.” - WALE

I pulled a guy over for speeding 85mph in a 40mph zone. When I asked him why he felt the need to be going so fast, he told me didn’t deserve a ticket because another cop had just given him one for not wearing a seatbelt and he was 45 minutes late to work so he was trying to make up lost time. – WALE

My coworker asked if we could switch shifts on a night I really wanted off. She told me she was at her peak in ovulation and really needed to be with her man. - WALE

An employee was caught not washing his hands after using the restroom. The bathroom was out of towels and he didn’t want to come out dripping water he’d have to mop up.

I got sent out to get food and when I got back my friend complained that there was a tomato on his burger when he had asked for no tomatoes. I told him I had ordered it correctly (even showed him the receipt) and he refused to pay me for lunch because the tomato had left residue on it making it not as enjoyable for him. – WALE

I had called my fiancé about our plans for the evening. He told me he was going to hang out with the “guys.” Still excited about his recent proposal, I decided to call all my girlfriends over for daiquiris. We had dinner nearby and then when we took it back to my apartment, my boyfriend was sprawled out on the couch in his boxers with a headset on. Apparently hanging with the “guys” was playing Call of Duty with his friends over the Internet. – WALE

I tried to post last night’s WALE and my internet provider was down. When I asked what was going on, he said maybe the release of the new Halo game had overloaded the system. I guess I’ll use the same excuse to explain to my teacher why my homework postings were late. - WALE

I asked a friend if he wanted to get a drink and watch the game. He told me couldn't because he was “watching paint dry”. I found out later that he was apparently staining furniture with his wife and they were layering it over time to get the right effect on the wood. – WALE

An employee showed up horrendously late to work one day. He was a foreign exchange student and it was hard to understand what he said it times. When I asked him why, he slowly spoke to me that in his culture, it was a sign of great respect to show up late and wanted to make sure he honored me. - WALE

Once on a vacation to Santa Barbara my girlfriend made me cancel our plans to attend the last day of a festival when she learned one of her favorite actors was buried at the local cemetery. It’s not like he was going anywhere. – WALE

My classmate flaked on meeting up to work on a school project that was worth a large part of our grade. Feeling pushy, I asked what had come up and he told me he told me a meeting had been scheduled last minute. When I asked what kind of meeting, he told me it was the secret kind he couldn't talk about. – WALE

A student came in to petition why he had been dropped from his classes. When I told him of the outstanding payments on his account, he told me that he had never received them and that it must have been the fault of his next door neighbor’s dog who had violently attacked the mail man a few weeks, eating and destroying most of the mail. – WALE

A new employee was late to an important conference call. When asked what had happened, he said he thought it was supposed to be in person and had driven to my office (I conference from my home) only to find no one there, so he turned around and went home. - WALE

My roommate had racked up a bunch of gay porn pay-per-views on my cable bill totaling over $250 dollars. When I came to collect, he denied it (he’s the only gay one in the house), then he tried to say he didn’t know it cost extra and finally tried to barter that he would take out the trash everyday and not leave his dishes in the sink for others to clean up to pay off his debt. Things he should have already been doing in the first place. – WALE

My sister had her cell phone taken away for running up her cell phone bill going over her minutes. I needed her to take me to hockey practice (all of my gear is really heavy) and she said she couldn't and that I needed to walk because she had to wait by the home phone for her boyfriend to call since she didn’t have a cell phone at the moment. – WALE

A guy at jack in the box ordered 20 tacos late one night. When I gave him his total at the window he told me had spent all his money on weed but was willing to share a bowl with me in exchange for the food. – WALE

My friend was down to come to the movies, but when he found out he had to pay for himself, he told me he didn't want to go and see THAT movie because he had already seen the trailer and had seen all the good parts. - WALE

One time while changing cars in a parking lot, we discovered another coworker climbing into the back of a camper shell in his truck. When we recognized each other, he told our group that he was thinking about buying one and wanted to see what it would look like on his truck. We found out a few days later his wife had kicked him out of the house and he was living in it. – WALE

Once when I was dating this girl, her younger sister had this total jerkoff of a boyfriend living with them and mooching off the family. I ignored it because it wasn’t my place. Finally he felt bad and decided to treat us all to dinner. When it came time to pay, his card was denied and as the waiter handed it back I looked at the card and noticed a completely different name on it. When I asked him what the hell was going on he told me in hushed tones that he belonged to a large crime family back east and was in hiding. – WALE

After a wedding we had attended, my fiancé and I talked about our last names and whose should change. She surprised me by saying I should take hers. When I asked why she explained that while I have brothers, there were no men left to continue the family name on her side and that it would fall on her to continue the family tree. She wasn’t joking. – WALE

My classmate flaked on meeting up to work on a school project that was worth a large part of our grade. Feeling pushy, I asked what had come up and he told me he told me a meeting had been scheduled last minute. When I asked what kind of meeting, he told me it was the secret kind he couldn't talk about. - WALE

My cousin passed on watching me in a reenactment of the Civil War battle of Gettysburg saying she was a pacifist and didn't condone violence. Even if it was choreographed. - WALE

An employee claimed to be late for work because he had been getting a bagel when the shop was robbed and he had to stay to leave a statement for the police. - WALE

I stopped dating a guy because he loved science-fiction a bit too much. I told him I was having serious considerations to follow my aunt and join a convent for nuns. - WALE

My biological mother got angry when she found out she wasn't invited to my wedding. I haven't seen her in 26 years since I was four. She defended her right to come by not only saying she birthed me, but that she took the time to give me up to a "winning" family. Thanks Mom. - WALE

My friend and I were supposed to have a beach day. She never showed up to my house and didn't answer my calls. When I found her a few days later she told me she had decided to tryout for American Idol and forgot all about me. - WALE

I caught my youngest son hitting and pushing some neighborhood kids around. When I asked him why, he told me that if I had bought him some new fighting game he had really wanted, he could have just played with that instead of having to pretend to "beat up" kids in real life. - WALE

Back in the day when I worked for a collections agency, I called a client who had large outstanding bills due. When I asked how he wanted to settle his claim, he told me that he didn't feel responsible because he had ramped up his credit card spending assuming the Y2K computer failure was going to wipe the slate clean. - WALE

My friend said he couldn't go to my party because he couldn't drive because he didn't have a ride. During my party he got in a car accident. He called me to say "I told you I can't drive,” and that it was my fault. – WALE

My co-worker and I got written up for being late. My co-worker tried to tell our boss she was late picking me up for work because two Sparks she had kept in her closet for over a year had exploded all over her door and extra clothes and she had to clean her entire closet before she could come pick me up… at 4 AM. She didn’t want any of her stuff to be sticky. - WALE

One night my boyfriend got a hysterical phone call from our friend. She told us that her boyfriend had told her to go lay down in bed and that he loved her while he got her best friend a blanket and he'd see her in a second. After ten minutes she heard noises from the other room and got up to check it out. Turned out her boyfriend was on the couch doing the deed with her best friend. After she walked out of the house, he came out and told her that he was so angry with himself for doing that to her. After fifteen minutes she went back in the house and they were at it again! The next day he said had blacked out and didn't know what she was talking about.

A fellow student taking an online course at NYU tried to get out of being late to an exam by telling the teacher he thought the exam was at 5 PACIFIC standard time and that he thought he was showing up super early to get prepped for the exam. - WALE

My boyfriend dumped me today. When I asked why he told me his mother didn't approve of me saying I wasn’t his type and that he should start looking for someone else while in his prime. – WALE

I had just bought some fruit one day and by the end of the day I noticed it was all gone. I asked my brother what had happened to it and he had told me he smelled something rotten. Not to take any chances, he threw it all away. – WALE

A customer once had asked to use the restroom. We handed him the key and he went to the back. When he returned he informed us that the toilet was clogged. We told him we’d fix it, but that he’d probably want to go next door to use another bathroom. He told us it was ok and that he had just peed in the sink instead. – WALE

I pulled a person over for speeding and they told me that it was their birthday. They must have forgotten that that information is displayed on their driver’s license or they forgot what month they were in. – WALE

My friend stopped seeing her boyfriend of three years when she found out from another friend that her boyfriend secretly had a non-malignant cancer. She was afraid she would contract it as well if she stayed around. – WALE

I came home one day and discovered my fridge had been completely emptied, even the shelves were gone. When I asked what happened my roommate told me he had thrown a party over the weekend and needed a place to keep the keg cold. – WALE

A girl canceled our lunch date saying the humidity was too severe and it would ruin her hair right before work. - WALE

I once complained to customer service about my phone being broken. They told me to look at the back and tell me what color a stripe was. I told them it was red and they said the warranty doesn’t cover water damage. I tried to tell them the neighbor’s dog had grabbed it and chewed on it. - WALE

I ran into an old flame at my 25-year high school reunion. I had dumped her back in the day telling her she was too immature and that it wasn’t meant to be. We reflected on the past and before we knew it were seeing each other. Before things got too serious, she asked if I was sure this time around. I said yes. When I grew tired of her a few months later I told her she was the exact same person from high school that had never changed. – WALE

My boyfriend disappeared for four days and I began to genuinely worry. When I finally tracked him down he had said he had turned off his phone to test how much I cared and whether we were ready to take things to the next level. – WALE

I once was working in a retail store and felt uneasy about a customer with some super shifty eyes. At one point I happened to walk past him as I saw him put something in his pocket. When I came up, I could see the telltale blocky shape of a music CD case in his pocket. When I asked him if I could see what was in his pocket, he told me it was his personal dictionary and that I was being racist accusing him of not being intelligent enough to carry one around and left the store. - WALE

I met a girl at a bar and after hanging out for a bit we decided to head back to my place. We drove separately so she could leave in the morning. On the drive home, I stopped at a red light and got rear ended. I get out of the car to see the girl I met at the bar. She apologized saying she was texting her husband that she wasn’t coming home and wasn’t paying attention to the road. – WALE

A girl was once giving me some oral relations and being as turned on as I was, proceeded to return the favor. She freaked out and stopped everything telling me that she thought I was pushing too fast for a relationship. – WALE

My boyfriend broke up with me. He told me I was the perfect girl, but that my boobs weren't big enough for his tastes. – WALE

This girl had been nagging me to go out with her for a while so I finally caved. She was OK, but when we made out at the end of the night, she was such a horrible kisser that I told her I couldn't continue because I was gay. – WALE

My girlfriend at the time caught me in my bedroom with another girl. We were both in our underwear. When she asked me to explain what was going on I told her we were doing a photo shoot using lingerie for a photography class. When she asked where MY clothes were, I told her I had spilled something on them and that those AND all my other clothes were in the washer and dryer. – WALE

An employee once tried to call out saying he was broken down at a mechanic shop. Apparently he didn't realize my phone has caller ID and showed up as "Brad Home". – WALE

I had once let my son borrow my card to fill up his gas tank. When I looked at my bank statement several days later I noticed an additional $150 in charges. When I asked him what they were about, he told me he must have confused cards. Our cards are different colors and have our own respective pictures. To make matters worse, he used it as a debit putting in my PIN code. – WALE

After a long night of partying, my friends and I got pulled over. When asked if I had been drinking I said I was Mormon and could not drink for religious reasons. The cop quickly noticed the cross hanging from my neck. - WALE

I had once asked a girl out for drinks. She told me she wasn't going to being staying in town long enough to get to know me and didn't want to waste each other's time. – WALE

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. When I called her on it, she said she had left me an email and changed her relationship status on facebook and that it was my fault I hadn't checked recently. – WALE

I once had a patient at my pharmacy pick up an order for 300 Vicodin. Within the week he was back holding a vial full of cloudy water. He tried to convince us that he fell into the spa with the bottle still in his pocket and all of his meds had dissolved. He needed more. – WALE

I got pulled over one time for turning left against a red light. A policeman immediately pulled me over and asked why I had ran the light. I told him I wasn’t from this area and my GPS had told me to turn left so I just did it, trusting its judgment. – WALE

I went with a group of friends to a gig. I offered to drive on the way and that someone else would drive home. Everyone partied in the car on the way down and when we parked and I tried to get some alcohol for myself they denied me because everyone was already too drunk that I had to be the DD on the way home. – WALE

I was drinking with my friends in a park one time. A cop appeared out of nowhere and looked at all the the beer lying around. He tried to write me a ticket for being drunk in public. I told him the beer couldn’t be mine because I was 13 weeks pregnant and stuck my belly out as far as I could. – WALE

A date I was on ended abruptly after I told a girl how many children I wanted to have. She told me my 5-year-plan didn’t sync with hers. – WALE

When I used to work at a fast food restaurant a customer came up and ordered a double cheeseburger with no cheese (AKA a hamburger). I put the order through and went on to help the next customer. That customer came back yelling at me that there was cheese on the burger. He demanded an additional free meal claiming that IF he had been lactose intolerant he could have died. –WALE

It was my 20th birthday and my friend told me she couldn’t make it because she had severe sunburn. – WALE

Kanye West justifying his rude actions because he felt MTV was racist. - WALE

A movie had gone missing on a customer's account. When I informed her that it was missing she swore she turned it in and that an employee must have stolen it. I told her I highly doubted one of us needed to add The Wiggles Sing-a-Long to their collection. – WALE

A customer called and asked if they could return their movies late because their car was in the shop for the next few days. I said no problem and as I wrote the note on their account, I noticed their address was only one block away from our store. They could have walked. The movies were 13 days late. – WALE

I informed a customer of a $5.00 late fee and they said they couldn't pay it today. They paid for their other movies with a hundred dollar bill. – WALE

A customer came in complaining about a movie they had rented. It was subtitled and he demanded we give him two free rentals for his inconvenience stating that if he wanted to read he would have bought a book. – WALE

I called a customer to tell them about a missing movie. Nobody answered. When they finally came in and complained that no one notified them sooner, we told them we called. They said we shouldn't use a company label for our phone number because when it came up on their caller ID they thought we were trying to sell them something. - WALE

A customer came in freaking about late fees. She told me that they couldn't be hers because she hasn't been in to rent. I told her she had and then she said we didn't check IDs. I told her on her account we always were forced to and she proceeded to tell me she had a twin sister who looked exactly like her. - WALE

A customer had old late fees from a few months back on their account. When I reminded them about it, they said no one ever told them. I told them that the late fees were indeed valid and they told me they would have paid them THEN, but could no longer now and needed me to take them off. – WALE

A customer brought back a movie with the words “Bad” and “Broken" written in permanent marker all over the case and disc ruining the data side. When I called the customer to ask what had happened, he told me had written on the disc so that OTHER customers would know that it didn’t work and that he shouldn’t be charged to replace it because he was just trying to be a hero. - WALE

I had a stage 5 clinger who wouldn't leave me alone. Attempt after attempt he wouldn't get the message that I wasn't interested. In deseperation, I told him that I had witnessed a heinous crime and was being put in the witness protection program. I changed my phone number, and tweaked my name on social websites so that I couldn't be found. - WALE

I had just been dumped after a long and serious relationship and asked a friend if she could go grab a drink with me to get it off my mind. She told me that it was her “TV night” with her fiancée and that she couldn’t miss it. She has Tivo. - WALE

My sister and I had just bought expensive tickets to see our favorite band up close. At the last minute she told me she couldn’t go. I scrambled to dump the ticket and ended up going with this guy that desperately would like to date me. While at the concert, I saw my sister. When I asked her what was going on, she told me had decided to go with another group of friends up in the cheap seats because a boy she really liked would be with them. - WALE

This guy from my school had asked me out and I wasn’t that into him, but he seemed like a nice enough guy that one date wouldn’t hurt. We were supposed to go to the zoo, but before we could go, I met another guy who I hit it off with really well. I completely forgot about my other date at the zoo. When I saw the guy from school he asked me what had happened, before I could say anything my new man showed up with flowers. I told my classmate that the guy was my brother and it was my birthday. - WALE

My boyfriend and I were on a break, but things had been looking on the bright side. One night he came over in the middle of the night and told me that I was the one. The next day I went to visit him at work, but he wasn’t there. Then I got a call from a friend saying he was the movies with another girl. When I caught him there, he told me she’d be leaving in a few days. - WALE

I hooked up one of my girlfriends with a guy I knew from work and when I asked her how the date went she said she couldn't date him because she noticed when she got in his car that his forearms were too short. I still don’t know what that means. - WALE

It was my eighteenth birthday party and I had everyone from my class at my house. At one point my iPod Touch went missing. We locked down the house and searched everyone. One of my “friends” found it out in the backyard in the “bushes.” – WALE

My birthday was coming up and my boyfriend told me we’d be doing something fun for my birthday. The day of, I’m informed that he went to San Francisco. When I asked about that fun thing we would be doing he told me he had sent me a card. – WALE

A customer returned a set of DJ headphones and when I asked him what was wrong with them, he told me they made his head look really small. – WALE

I moved across the United States and my friend is always harping on me to visit. One day she called me and told me that she had over two thousands dollars saved in the bank, and then started giving me grief about not coming out to see her. When I asked her why she couldn’t come out to visit me, she told me doesn’t have any money. – WALE

One of my associates disappeared from work for a while. When they came back I spoke to them about the disappearance but then repeated it again. When I asked the reasoning behind it, they replied "I only come in when I need the money." – WALE

A large party for a friends going away celebration was canceled last minute when the host’ called us telling us her boyfriend had fallen asleep in the bathtub and flooded the apartment complex. I went by a month or two later to say hi and when I used the bathroom I noticed they only have a shower with no tub. – WALE

On Sundays, a lot of my friends get together to play sports. After a few hours I was hungry and my boyfriend offered to drive through Taco Bell. I gave him some cash and sent him on his way. When he got back I found him eating the last taco. I asked where my food was and he told me he didn’t have anything else because he didn’t know what I wanted. – WALE

When I showed up to my work’s softball team with a cast on my ankle, everyone wanted to know what had happened. I told them that I had lost a bar fight and had been beaten up. The only thing that “beat me up” was a large pole that I had drunkenly run into while screwing around on the work site during St. Patrick’s Day and was afraid of losing my job if anyone found out. - WALE

I had asked a girl to come join me and my friends in the Jacuzzi. She told me she didn’t want to come because she doesn’t know how to swim. – WALE

I was in the car with my girlfriend and got a call from my ex. I answered the phone so as not to look like I was hiding something. Like a deaf idiot I had my volume turned as loud as it would go and my girlfriend could hear another girl’s voice. I quickly got off the phone and tried to explain that it was one of my best friends calling me and pretending to be a girl. I told her it was a joke we play on each other. - WALE

I was in the middle of getting it on with a girl when there was a knock at the door. The girl went to the door and told me we had to stop. She had to go clean her parent’s bed because her best friend has just pissed herself in it. – WALE

I had been flirting with this cute boy at a beach party and decided to tag along with him to ride back to the house for the rest of the party. He then suddenly told me I had to ride with someone else because he didn’t want sand on the upholstery in his new car. - WALE

A lady at work asked for a sleeve for her iced coffee. I told her we were running low and really needed to save them for customers getting hot beverages. She told me she had to have one because she doesn’t like touching wet things. – WALE

When I worked at McDonald's one of my employees called in sick to work because it was his dead grandmother's 100th birthday and his family was celebrating. The manager approved it. – WALE

We were expecting company over for dinner and I was a mess preparing the meal while my husband cleaned and tidied up the house. Hours later I realized my husband had disregarded all of his chores and the house was a disaster. His excuse? He had gotten on a hot streak while playing online poker with fake money. – WALE

I was seeing a guy for a few weeks and one night he was supposed to come pick me up to go out. He sent me a text when he was on his way but he never showed up. I called him a few times because I was concerned that something might have happened, but no response. He called me the next afternoon saying that he was sorry but he fell asleep. When I asked him about saying he was on his way, he told me he truly was. He said he was narcoleptic and fell asleep in his car. - WALE

My girlfriend and I were at a party and she went to go get two Pepsis. When she returned she had one regular and one diet telling me they were out of regular. She slid me the diet one, and when I asked why she told me I was more likely to get diabetes. – WALE

My flight plans had been changed and I ended up coming home early from a conference. Excited to be home, I called my husband and asked if he could come get me at the airport and he told me I would have to wait until after the football game was over. – WALE

I was supposed to pick up my girlfriend today from school but never did. She was pretty mad. When she asked me why I didn’t show, I just blamed it on my mom. In reality I just wanted to sleep in. - WALE

In the navy I broke my leg. When they asked how I broke it, I told them that the wind from a hurricane shut the door on it at the bowling alley near by. Actually, my Navy buddy threw a bowling ball into my leg while we were drinking. - WALE

This girl once shot me down by saying she couldn’t date a friend. I found out later that she's dated a few mutual friends. - WALE

For a summer I had a really crappy job selling frozen steaks out of a truck as a door to door salesman. When I went up to one door, they politely told me they were vegans. I could see a barbecue with a couple of pork chops on their side yard. – WALE

When my wife uses the bathroom she always has to turn on the faucet. When I asked her why, she told me she doesn’t want me to hear. Too bad she can’t do anything about farting in her sleep. - WALE

I had been dating a guy for a few weeks and once we had reached the point that I was comfortable sleeping with him, he called it quits saying his family only allows him to date other Persians. – WALE

My co-worker went on his lunch break and disappeared. He didn’t come back for three hours. When I asked him why he was late, he told me that he smoked too much weed and forgot how to get back to his job. – WALE

A friend of mine flaked last minute on plans to hang with some friends to instead go on a date with some hot chick. We found out later that “some hot chick” was a playful euphemism for his right hand. – WALE

The city I live in has a strict helmet law. So when I saw a kid riding his bicycle without a helmet I pulled him over to give him a ticket. When I asked him why he wasn’t wearing a helmet he told me he was going out on a date and didn’t want to mess up his hairdo. – WALE

I had invited this girl I liked to my church’s potluck. She declined telling me she didn’t like people seeing her eat because it makes her feel fat. – WALE

My secretary friend had to take a week off of unpaid vacation because her boss had to recuperate from having his genitals caught in the nozzle jet of a Jacuzzi during his vacation. – WALE

My date for the night canceled on me. When I asked why he told me it was because he had gotten his ex girlfriend pregnant and had to take her to planned parenthood for an emergency visit. – WALE

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I looked too much like her brother naked. - WALE

I asked my friend to come out with me to the bar one night after I just got a bonus check from work (drinks on me) and he said he couldn't because he had "a raid" in World of Warcraft in an hour. - WALE

I had come home from a long day of work and wanted to get rid of some stress. I went up to my wife and tried to be sexy with her. She didn’t really play along and when I finally asked why she wasn’t interested, she told me she had just masturbated an hour before and wasn’t in the mood. – WALE

An employee of mine ended up showing late to work again today and was written up for it. When asked why he was late. He told me he couldn’t find matching socks. He wears pants at work. - WALE

At one point early on in high school I decided I wanted to take a couple of AP courses since I wanted more of a challenge. So when I got around to asking my guidance counselor about signing up for a class she told me they don't offer those kinds of classes to students like me. - WALE


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After dating a girl for a few weeks, we went back to my place one night and started making out on the bed. She decided she couldn’t date me anymore when she saw my child’s size “special” helmet that I wore as a child after a head injury and kept to remind me of what I had overcome. - WALE

My girlfriend and I had just gotten a place together and decided to split the chores evenly. I had cooked a challenging meal and afterward was told that even though it was her turn, she couldn't do the dishes because she had just gotten her nails done. - WALE

I was out of town on my birthday and my boyfriend forgot all about it. He said it didn't matter because we had already celebrated it the weekend before and that the "specialness" had already passed. - WALE


I asked a neighbor of mine if some of the local kids could wash his car for one dollar to fund a trip to Disneyland. He said no because it was going to rain. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. - WALE

Today a customer at my work was balking about her late fee of 16 days. She explained the reason she couldn’t return them on time was because her hamster had died. – WALE

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